Dysfunction

13 December 2009 @ 07:29 pm

This will be my last post for how ever long.
--I mean, it's not like any one cares, right? ahhhhhaha.
I've made a plan to stay away from the internet until I've read five (5) books.
I'm planning to read The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings by Oscar WIlde, Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, Kinflicks by Lisa Alther, Lord of the Flies by William whatshisface, and One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest by whatshisface.

Oscar Wilde will be first.

I'll keep my journey of enlightenment noted in my journal (the real one).
This will be interesting. Since I'm an internet addict and all.

1. I deleted that MySpace account that I never used.
2. Deleted my Facebook account that I only had for a day. Haha.
3. Went for a walk around the neighborhood.
4. Cleaned my room a little.
5. Downloaded a lot of songs.

My skin feels tight. My eyes feel dry.

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12 December 2009 @ 10:17 pm

Ramblings with Run-ons

I can't sleep. I think it's because my room is messy. Cleanliness is next to godliness and god is empty just like me.

huhuuhuhuhuh. I find it very hard to concentrate. I haven't read a book, fully, since summer. I think I'm stressed. These memories of shame ambush me at night. Nightmares. I have them.
I wake up in cold sweats, some times hot sweats. I pray to a blind & deaf God. Nothing feels the same.
I look at myself in the mirror and I am disgusted.
It's okay, though. I'm sure there are thousands others who feel the same.

Moods.
My moods shift so quickly. Rage. Sadness. Happiness. Love. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

There was a little hand game we played at recess, it went:
Shame, shame, shame
I don't wanna go to Mexico no more, more, more
There's a big, fat policeman at the door, door, door
He'll grab you by the colla'
Girl, you betta' holla'
I don't wanna go to Mexico no more, more, more

Cute.
In a way.

there are bumps on my hands.
a little rash.
it doesn't feel right.

i hear silverware scraping against porcelain.
it's rather annoying.

MY MIND IS ALL "LITHIUM, PLEASE"
BUT MY BODY IS LIKE "OH, NAUSEA"

EVER XYZ.
ELIJAH MARIE

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11 December 2009 @ 08:25 pm

A Picture Post

Wow! My pictures! Who woulda thought?

( Zarathustra )

Eh, that's it for now.
Today was alright. I had fun pretending I was irritable and mad. People just don't know how to deal when the one person they think will have a bitch fit has a bitch fit. Fun times.

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11 December 2009 @ 04:25 pm

Grace Jones

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10 December 2009 @ 09:10 pm

Filth ∞

-Gossip-
Uhuh.
No way.
Like, dude.
Fuck yeah!
Are you shitting me?
I shit you not.
HAAAAAAAHA. Holy fu--
Yeah.
That's fucked up, though.
For real.
*snicker* But, it's funny as hell.
I KNOW!
*Laughter ensues*

------

Today, fuck. Today was one of those perfectly bland days. I took some pills, went to sleep until, like, 10:58, went to school and didn't give a shit about anything. And no one gave a shit about me not giving a shit. I barely spoke to anyone, I feel so...high. It's like, whoah.

So, I'm in a state of semi-euphoric/sleepy daze. And, like. My body feels oddly numb. Well, not numb. Just, you know, like I haven't used it in a billion years.

Today, at lunch--in the dirty fucking cafeteria I was forced to go into--, I was talking to my friend/the closest thing to a best friend and we were talking about colleges and majors and shit. And, it was like--wow, this kid is really fucking smart. I mean, duh. He's an IB student, he's a genius in all of his classes and I envy him. Anyway, he says that I should study what I love in college and I replied "well, yeah, but what i love isn't going to get me a six-figure income" and then i stopped and was all "but, it wouldn't be what i love if i focused on the money, would it?" And then he gave me the simplest, most fantastic advice I've ever gotten from a kid one year younger than me.
I looked at him and was like "Shut up, you're sayin' shit I have never heard you say before." Then the bell rung/rang for class.

Fucking geniuses, man. You think they're one way and then they pull a complete 190 on you, like what the fucking fuck of all fuck fucks?

And, can I just say how disgusted with rich people I am? <--did that make sense? My mind's too blown to, you know...yeah.
They have all of this money and all they buy it on is clothes, jewlery, luxury cars, 28-room mansions and other dumb shit. Do something with your life instead of wasting it, eh? Self-ish fucks. /bitter
(disregard this those wealthy in-die-vidualz who actually help others with their ridiculously big amounts of money.)

Plan: enter DIY fashion. Make some shit, I have a feeling I'd be good at it. I just hope I don't get lazy and give up on it too quickly. Shit's too high now-days.

Ugh, I suck.

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07 December 2009 @ 09:15 pm

Dire

For reasons unknown, I began to talk. Well, more like recite a monologue. It was pretty fucking good, actually. Here's what I said;

I never liked it when he did that to me. I mean, it felt wonderful as he did it but afterward I would always feel scarred. Dirty. Tainted.
I nearly protested to his touches and kisses, but that pleasure mixed with the telltale pain would ignite some kind of fiery passion and I’d allow his caresses once more.
There was a time when the words “Stop, don’t, No” were on the very tip of my tongue. But, then his tongue meshed with that place down there and I swallowed those words and moaned out his name. He hovered over me, devouring my places, leaving me wet with sweat and his saliva.
Sex is messy.
Well, the kind of sex we had.
The bad kind. The kind that actually made you feel something deeper than an orgasm from Vanilla Sex could ever have.
Last night, after fucking, we sat in the dark listening to each other breathe and not holding each other close. Neither one of us really likes bodily contact other than through sex--which we don’t really consider contact even though it obviously is.
Bob Dylan says that words have a different meaning to different people. We both agree with that ideal.
Nearly asleep, I feel him press his lips to my neck--that little juncture where your neck meets your shoulder--and keeps them there for a few minutes before smelling my hair.
He hums and I fall asleep.
When I wake up, he’s gone.

I'm no Shakespeare. But.
It's aight.

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06 December 2009 @ 09:57 pm

Queer as Folk

I'm in this state of complete bliss right now.
It's wonderful.
I'm in love with an inanimate object. Pansexual? I think so. Might be. Would it be a big deal? Everyone's fucking any and every thing right now. Why not a Mac?

FFFFFuck, this report is SO good. Well, it's not an A paper, a C- at the least. But still, dude! It's fucking. Awesome. I used all of these "big" words. Diction, man. It's a rad thing.

This weekend, more like Saturday and most of Sunday, has been rather unproductive. But, tha's cool. I have 12 hrs to catch up. WOO.

I went from 1,792 songs to 198 songs on my iPod. Why? 'Cause most of the shit on there I didn't even like anymore. Dead Can Dance became annoying and so did most of the Joan Baez I had--one song. Now, I'm downloading this printer shit so I can print out my AWESOME REPORT. :D:D:D

Lovely.
The weather was pretty rockin' today. That nice, bone-freezing cold that I just LOVE this time of year.
And...I drank two liters of Coca-Cola. Not good. I'mma have a shitton of zits soon. Dear GAWD.

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05 December 2009 @ 06:03 am

Favorite Book & Favorite Quote

2 n 1.

I don't know what my favorite book is, actually. I think I have a top 10 that I absolutely LOVE, but no favorites. I can be all "eeny, meeny, miney, moe." but would that do the books justice?
They're all good in their own ways.

I think the one that comes to mind is...fuck, I don't know.
On The Road: The Original Scroll by Jack Kurouac. The reason why I bought the original scroll, 'cause I found out that the story was based on some dudes and I wanted to read it when Jack was talking about them instead of some character that was named by them. You know?

Books I deem as "favorite": Thorn Kief Hillsbery's What We Do Is Secret & War Boy, Anne Rice's Interview With the/a Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, The Vampire Armand, and Cry From Heaven; Truman Capote's In Cold Blood; Mary Renault's The Persian Boy; Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower...among others.

I think my favorite quote is by Anais Nin.
"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

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04 December 2009 @ 07:05 pm

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFyuck yeah!!!

1. I have my own computer! Laptop, Macintosh---AWESOME.
---Don't have the Internetz yet, though. it costs 70+ dollars--CASH--to get an air card.
Have yet to watch the latest episode of Dexter. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaahhh. Fuck me, I'm ecstatic.

Current Music: PJ Harvey - Down By the Water

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04 December 2009 @ 07:46 am

Nein, Nada, Zilch

LAST NIGHT. I HAD A DREAM.
IT WAS SO BIZARRE.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
I AM NOT ON DRUGS.

Seriously though, that dream last night was ...goddamn. O_O

But, when I really think about it...it's not really that... you know. strange.

Wet dream, instead of fantasy chicks or guys. It was this chick in my class who I think likes me 'cause she's always looking at me. (Watching me watch you...)

Agh, neverfuckingmind. I'm not good with this kind of shit.
GAWD.

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03 December 2009 @ 05:45 pm

Day tres

Favorite Television Show:

DEXTER

One day in summer, I was REALLY bored. So, I went on DEMAND and looked through Showtime's tv series. I was somewhat depressed that The L Word had gone off, with a bad ending, BTFW! I took a chance with curiosity and just watched the first episode of 'Dexter'. I was blown away by the acting, the plot, and--more importantly--the beginning credit thing. How awesome is that? I thought "Dexter" was a dumb name for a show, but it only makes it more cooler 'cause it doesn't really give the audience an assumption about what the show is about (unless they've heard of it). Dexter. Is. Aweesome.

ps: OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. I can't say anything now, i dont wanna jinx it. BUT OMFG.

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02 December 2009 @ 06:16 pm

Day Two, mthrfckr!

Favorite Film?

After watching this movie a year ago, I think I took a bit of "Mike" with me. An awkward and lonesome gay street hustler who's narcoleptic, in love with his friend, and is the son of his brother. He travels with Scott, his friend, to find his mother. Scott leaves him and marries some chick and he's deserted in Spain or somewhere hustling again. Gus Van Sant. 1991. (River P. will always be Mike to me.)

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01 December 2009 @ 07:19 pm

30 Day something or nother.

cDay 01 → Your favorite song
Day 02 → Your favorite movie
Day 03 → Your favorite television program
Day 04 → Your favorite book
Day 05 → Your favorite quote
Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 → A photo you took
Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 → A fictional book
Day 14 → A non-fictional book
Day 15 → A fanfic
Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 → A talent of yours
Day 20 → A hobby of yours
Day 21 → A recipe
Day 22 → A website
Day 23 → A YouTube video
Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 → Your day, in great detail
Day 26 → Your week, in great detail
Day 27 → This month, in great detail
Day 28 → This year, in great detail
Day 29 → Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 → Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 1, Favorite Song:

A tie between Lou Reed's 'Dirty Boulevard' and 'Walk on the Wild Side'. Eh, either way, I'll post both.

My day was like a burnt (or burned) marshmallow exploding in your mouth.

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29 November 2009 @ 09:17 pm

Never

So, one day I'll die. And, on the day I die, I might not have accomplished all of my wishes. I might not have seen a live show or went to see a foreign film in New York or traveled around the world and experienced some hot Italian sex. I probably wouldn't have had a baby by then either.
I might not have seen my nephew grow to the age 18 or see my kid sister become an actress or my kid brother to be a music major in college.

Death is as sudden as life. And, I think And I think my biggest fear is knowing that I will eventually be forgotten.

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29 November 2009 @ 10:13 am

Gorrilaz

Surprised I haven't written about Gorrilaz yet. I listen to them almost daily, it's fucked that i barely talk about them.
Truth, I didn't know jackshit about them before 2005. God, 2005 was a great year for me, at the same time the worst. That year I truly discovered music on a whole new level. Music, as in Rock n Roll. But, at the time it was just "rawk". Green Day's Insomniac was my shit for the longest. And Sum 41, but let's not revel in the dorkiness of being 12, shall we? But "Brain Stew" and "Walking Contradiction" are still my shit til this day. It sucks that I have to stop listening to them. They just lost all of their UNF that they had when they were more raw and their music was still full of heart. I mean, it still is, but too mainstream. Just...no, Green Day, no.

Anyway, Gorrilaz have been on my iPod on and off for the past two years. I need to seriously make some life changes, because I'm just re-discovering how hot those cartoon characters are and how genius Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett are.

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28 November 2009 @ 08:01 pm

MM

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26 November 2009 @ 08:44 pm

Junkfood for Thought (Only, not really)

I'm never celebrating Thanksgiving again. It's a pointless holiday, why designate ONE day to give thanks to whoever you worship for whatever you have when you should already give it anyway--everyday. Also, it signifies how the Pale Ones came to America, stole from the Native Americans and called it their own. (Half-assed description, I know.)

I hate sweet-headaches. You know, those headaches you get from eating too much sugar/something sweet. I usually get them at Thanksgiving.

And on this note...

JD Samson (of Le Tigre)

Current Mood:

dorky

Current Music: Placebo - Special Needs

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25 November 2009 @ 07:54 pm

Digital Babies

We're the Generation Y, Millenial Generation, MTV Generation, Next Generation.

We're the spoiled fuckups who whine and argue and want "respect" but never really prove anything. We're more liberal than any other generation, we're more free--in some ways. In others...
We're peer-oriented. Txting, IMing, Twitter, MySpace, LIVEJOURNAL. We want friends, we want followers, we want readers. We demand equality among each other, free speech.

What do we want? Money.
When do we want it? Fucking now.
And we get it, more than our fair share.
We're the generation where "no one loses".

We're Generation Y and we're gonna bring end to this motherfucker.

------

Wtf Elijah Marie?
I dunno. I was reading someone's blog and was got this overwhelming anger at them because of what they were saying they wanted to be and how cool it would be if they had this amount of money and whatthefuckever, you know? And then, I realized, that I do the same fucking thing. And so, I'm raging against my own Generation because I hate us and what we stand for. Fuck us. We're not going to become doctors, lawyers, fucking handy-mans or car-sellsmen. We're going to become tweeked out celebrities, wanna-be hippies ("peace, man. it's all about the fucking ganga"). We're gonna be whores by 12 and mothers by 9, pedophiles by 30 and intellects at 10. We have knowledge at our finger-tips, REAL FUCKING KNOWLEDGE, and all we do is swoon over Fucking Robert Pattinson or some other shitfaced wanna-be James Dean. We have SO much potential, but can't tear away from the computer or the FUCKING TELEVISION to put our potential to work.

Lazy motherfucks, we all are.

okay, i think i feel better.

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25 November 2009 @ 09:25 am

Fuck Digital, I'm going OLD SKOOL.

I think I'm gonna buy more CDs instead of downloading music. Well, CDs from the bands/people I actually respect a great deal.
Let's say all of the computers in the world shut down, my songs n shit will be fucking gone. But, with buying CDs, I'll still have good music.

Artists that I really admire have been saying stuff about digital music and stuff...about how it "compresses the power of the music" (Thurston Moore) and how it's not real music (Kim Deal). I mean, at first I was like wtfever. Then I thought back when I use to blast MCR and Green Day and how I felt that the lead singers were singing to ME and I can actually feel what they were saying beyond just listening.

I'll have to go to actual record stores for the music I listen to. Which, I think, will cost a little less then it would in big stores like Target or Walmart, etc.

First Artists/Bands' CDs to buy: Nirvana (Live at Reading), Nina Simone, David Bowie (a shitton), Sonic Youth, Elvis Costello, PJ Harvey, Radiohead, the list goes on.
I have to write an actual list though...which will probably take hours.

PS: I'm re-discovering music on Last.Fm and Youtube.com. Dear GOD.

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25 November 2009 @ 07:51 am

Aihsaeri

I need Nirvana's (recently released; FINALLY) Live at Reading CD/DVD in my life. NOW.
>:O

I'll buy it--soon. But for now, I'll listen to it on Last.Fm: Listener's Discretion is Advised (Pure Fucking *insert Adjective of your choice*)

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